Shannon's Mum

Shannon Matthews' mum. A recent radio program recently asked the public: 'is she evil or stupid'? Well, I think a certain A. Hitler of Austria might have pipped her to post in the 'evil' stakes, but I can't think of anyone who can beat her for sheer stupidity. And poor old Shannon herself. Some souls are lucky and born to loving and decent parents. Others are, to put it briefly, not.

When I first heard about the abduction of Shannon Matthews a while ago I was immediately struck by the image and sound of her mother on television. No matter how sorry I felt for their predicament, especially after Madelaine McCann, a little part of my brain could not help but think about what kind of family Shannon was from. To the best of my abilities I tried to repress my middle-class judgements on the way her mother looked, spoke, and came across and tried to concentrate on just feeling very sad and sorry and wishing and praying that the world avoids yet another unsolved child abduction tragedy.

Now with hindsight that her mother had orchestrated her own daughter's kipnap, drugging and imprisonment in an idiotic and fumbled attempt to grab some reward money, I actually feel quite free to throw caution to the wind and tell the world what I think of her. Is it too unkind to call her a cross between Waynetta Slobb and a character from Viz magazine? Yes it probably is: she's just Waynetta Slobb. And where on earth are her braincells? Did she plan on using any of them?? If you were planning a wicked scheme to obtain £50,000 through immoral deceit, wouldn't you at least sit down, think about it first and try to get your "story" straight? Not Shannon Matthews's mum, it seems, who spun out 5 different versions of her side of the story. To the police. And what was her story(ies) going to be when wanted to finally claim the reward money? Oh yes I was just walking on my way to Iceland when I found her chained to a lamp-post on the high-street? She just got a little lost on her home from school and took a months-long detour? She had been stuck in the toilet at her step-dad's house all this time and everybody was too busy looking for her to hear her shouts and complaints?? It must have been aliens???

And presuming Shannon Matthews a) has the ability to speak, b) feels a little more than slightly annoyed at being kidnapped, sedated and locked up by her own "step-dad" what were the odds of her deciding to stick to her mother's version of how she was abducted? (When she finally decides which one to stick to)

So has there been any Good eminating from Shannon Matthews's mum's existence on this very planet that we all share together? Putting on my thinking-cap of hope and enlightenment here's my attempt at a list.

1. She makes you thankful for the parents you've got.

My parents may not be perfect, and by god parents of British Born Chinese certainly know how to be aggressive and pushy and to liberally sprinkle you with cultural and moral dilemmas, but at least they never drugged me up, tied me up and then forced me underneath a bed, to only bungle the whole enterprise. (My parents would have been much more competent.)

2. She makes you glad you studied hard at school.

At school if you were mischevious, badly-behaved and rebellious, you were cool and popular. If you studied hard and did well in exams, you were spoddy, square and Nobby No-Mates. Those who decided not to succomb to the Dark Side should be glad of the path they chose, otherwise they could have ended up like Shannon Matthew's mum. Or even worse, one of her boyfriends.

3. Erm, I can't think of a third positive thing about Shannon's Matthew's Mum. Damn you thinking-cap of hope and enlightenment.