Mrs Clinton you're trying to...

Overheard at the the US Secretary of State's hotel in Beijing. Conversation with Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao

(A Simon and Garfunkel CD seems to be playing in the background)

Mrs. Clinton : Jiabao?

Bao : Yes?

Mrs. Clinton : Will you come over here a minute?

Bao : Over there? Sure.

Mrs. Clinton : Would you like to be friends of the US now? I think we'd make good partners. (nods and winks towards a soft red leather briefcase of US T-bills on her queen-sized bed)

Bao : Oh. Well, goodnight.

Mrs. Clinton : Won't you open the briefcase?

Bao : I'd rather not, Mrs. Clinton.

Mrs. Clinton : If you still think I'm trying to -

Bao : No, I don't. But I just feel a little funny.

Mrs. Clinton : What are you so scared of?

Bao : I'm not scared, Mrs. Clinton.

Mrs. Clinton : Then why do you keep running away?

Bao : Because you're going to bed. I don't think I should be up here.

Mrs. Clinton : Haven't you ever seen a US Treasury bill in the flesh before?

Bao : Yes, I have. But I just - Look - what if some pro-Tibet or human rights prostesters walked in right now?

Mrs. Clinton : What if they did?

Bao : Well, it would look pretty funny, wouldn't it? Me and you in a bedroom and a red briefcase full of.....

Mrs. Clinton : Don't you think they would trust us together?

Bao : Of course they would. But they might get the wrong idea. Anyone might.

Mrs. Clinton : I don't see why. I'm already married to a former humans-right pressurising US president. How could anyone think -

Bao : But they would! Don't you see?

Mrs. Clinton : Jiabao, we're not trying to seduce you.

Bao : I know that. But please, Mrs. Clinton. This is difficult for me.

Mrs. Clinton : Would you like me to seduce you?

Bao : What?

Mrs. Clinton : Is that what you're trying to tell me?

Bao : I'm going home now. I apologize for what I said. I hope you can forget it. But I'm going home right now.

Mrs. Clinton : Jiabao?

Bao : Yes?

Mrs. Clinton : Will you bring up my worthless shares in Lehman Brothers before you go? They're in my handbag.

Bao : I have to go. Sorry.

Mrs. Clinton : I really don't want to put on my big overcoat again. Won't you bring it up?

Bao : Where is it?

Mrs. Clinton : On the table next to the US budget report. The one in heavy red ink.

(sound of feet on steps)

Bao : Mrs. Clinton?

Mrs. Clinton : I'm in the bathroom.

Bao : Here is the handbag.

Mrs. Clinton : Would you bring it up?

Bao : Well, I'll hand it to you. Come to the railing and I'll hand it up.

Mrs. Clinton : Jiabao, I am getting pretty tired of all this suspicion. Now if you won't do me a simple favor I don't know what.

(more footsteps)

Bao : I'm putting it on the top step.

Mrs. Clinton : For God's sake, Jiabao, will you stop acting that way and bring me the handbag?

Bao : I'm putting it here by the door.

Mrs. Clinton : Will you bring it in to me?

Bao : I'd rather not.

Mrs. Clinton : All right. Put it in Alistair Darling's room where we were. Next to the large barrel of hair bleach.

Bao : Right.

(more footsteps and then other footsteps and a door slams)

Ben : Oh God. Oh, let me out.

Mrs. Clinton : Don't be nervous.

Bao : Get away from that door.

Mrs. Clinton : I want to say something first.

Bao : Jesus Christ.

Mrs. Clinton : Jiabao, I want you to know that in these times of economic difficutly the US is available to you, and if you won't let us pretend to be your temporary allies this time ... we'll still conveniently descend from the moral high ground for a bit of your cash. Now, would you like to buy some more T-bills in exchange for....

(bugging device suddenly interrupted by excess steam in room)

Hillary's underused overcoat

And so Hillary Clinton, the new US Presi-, the new US Secretary of State arrives for her first visit in her new capacity to Beijing and is given a state reception complete with sniper fi-, complete with red and blue flags and lights according to this blog on the BBC news website

(now don't you wish you had studied harder at school and become an important person who gets Red And Blue Flags And Lights welcoming you at airports? When I arrive somewhere by plane I have to navigate an arrivals hall clogged with numerous overweight taxi drivers who've been holding a mucky whiteboard in one hand and a half-eaten donut on the other)

One thing that struck me about this blogger's observation was the "Overcoat Etiquette" on display. Very important this, apparently. If an arriving dignitary appears on the airport tarmac not wearing too much clothing this makes the visiting VIP more vigorous looking, apparently, and possibly more menacing ready to strike the negotiating table running (if you could possibly imagine running on a table, or a negotiating table at that.... I wonder if they sell them in IKEA?)

Our mis-speaking Hillary though actually decides to be sensible and wear an overcoat, not because she wants to appear weak, but because it's cold in Beijing (and bullet-proof vests can be more easily hidden, in case those pesky snipers return).

Which makes you really thankful Hillary is a woman of practicality whose next stop is not some sun-baked equitorial island ruled by an aggresive dictator: I'm not sure I want to see Hillary Clinton arriving in a bikini (or even Obama in just his Y-fronts, if I'm totally honest)