Desperate times (History of 2008 part 2)

And so Bank of England interest rates have been reduced yet again, this time to 0.5%. And critics say such a dramatic measure leaves no room for future action. I'm no economics professor but this says to me that the Bank of England thinks we are facing desparate economic times that require desperate measures. To say that this leaves little room for manoevre is like saying that pumping water from the Thames to fight fires during the 1940 London Blitz leaves no more water for future fire-fighting.

And as if that was not enough, it seems that the BOE is now also creating money to the tune of £75 billion (although we are informed, this does not actually mean they will be physically printing the stuff out).

One problem with the cut in interest rates is that it was intended to allow banks to lend more money to the man in the street; so that small businesses can continue to run and keep people employed and first-time buyers can buy houses. However this is not happening because the banks are probably in more trouble than anybody realises.

So let's go back to bare-bone basics: the government needs to get people to spend money and to get people working again. Off the top of my head how about this?

Rather than pumping money into banks, the government spends this cash on employing more people. What could they do? Well, what needs doing? We need to clean up the country, improve policing, improve social care, improve teaching standards. Hey, how about manning the presses and printing out more money?

Also the government could just give money to people, (and I don't mean failed bankers who want to retire at 50). How about vouchers that can only be redeemed by spending it on the high street?

If we truly are in desperate times, as 0.5% interest rates suggest, then maybe we need radical innovative solutions?

People you'd rather not meet

I could have sworn last week was some important Iron Maiden anniversary, or that she had passed away, but irrespective of the reasons, there seemed to have been a sudden mini-epidemic of Thatcher-related drama programmes on the television last week.

I have to say I immensely enjoyed watching Margaret, the BBC2 drama based on the final days of Margaret Thatcher's premiership. Of course it was a dramatisation liberally sprinkled with artistic license and artfully placed flashbacks (used to such great effect in Godfather Part 2). As well as enjoying it on the level of a Greek Tragedy (not that I've ever, erm, seen a Greek Tragedy) it was good to see characters from another era at their scheming and machiavellian worst. Of course no-one knows how much of the cloak-and-dagger was real and how much of it was magnified and embellished for our "viewing pleasure".

However on the comfy sofa of my relatively stress-free life it was amusing in a strange way to see people choosing to enter a career and lifestyle that involves working with people who are possibly holding a supporting hand or dagger against your back. There are a few unpleasant people in the world I've had the misfortune to meet, but luckily I've been able to steer a fairly clear path in my life that has limited my meeting them to the bare minimum.



Our current Prime Minister seems to be one of these people, if I read between the lines in the newspapers correctly. He doesn't seem to have any particular reputation for being a nice guy (not that I'm saying any previous Prime Ministers are particularly decent, genuine or amiable people) but I do remember reading somewhere that he was particularly horrible to people from the "Blair Camp" when he still Chancellor and impatiently waiting for the Prime Minister's job he deemed the world owed him.

Now it seems that President Obama doesn't like him that much either. The dual press-conference that would have shown Gordon and Barrack side-by-side facing the world's media (sorry, the world's press) has been cancelled due to snow in the Rose Garden.

Strangely no-one thought of rescheduling in some alternative venue. I don't know, I'm not an old political hand or anything, but how about somewhere ... indoors??? Or is it some trans-atlantic political joke about our own great British ability to not let a bit of snow stop everything from grinding to a halt?

In the shadowy world of politics image and protocol seems to be very important, though of course you'd never hear a politician openly admit this. But such a major snub sheds some light on what our Barack really thinks of Gordon. However on the other hand he is the first EU leader to meet the new president, so maybe it's a case of mixed signals that can be interpreted either way as deemed convenient in future.

That's not behaviour I'd expect from a politician!!!!!!!

The sweet smell of recession

Hey, after hours of painstaking searches I've finally found a story related with the recession. Yippee!!!

The Oriental Aroma Chinese restaurant in Wiltshire is paying customers £1 per head to eat at their establishment. Yes, that's right you get to eat their food and you leave with extra money in your pocket. Only, that's not quite true because you only get your £1 if you spend £5 on drinks (that's probably only 2 drinks then that would have only cost the business about £1.50 from the wholesaler)

I wonder what Wonders of the East are on offer at this fine dining establishment then? Fresh Lobster in Ginger and Spring Onion? Succulently Steamed Abalone? Jasmine-smoked free-range Roast Goose.......? Or maybe fried noodles with a hint of beansprout, dried fried rice and tiny specks of meat deep fried in huge ball of batter served in a sauce that would surely glow in the dark if you turned the lights off (actually, the article does not state if the restaurant has lights on and whether you have to bring your own torches to actually see the food)

To be fair to the restaurant it does appear to have regular customers and so maybe serves decent-enough food. Maybe the owner has a bit of savings in the bank and figured this was a good way to generate positive publicity for his business. Well he's certainly generated great publicity for himself, if the national newspapers are carrying the story. I can see other businesses in trouble trying the same tack. Bank offers to lend money to people buying houses with no job and no deposit, maybe?

(and why exactly do NINJAs need to live in houses if they're supposed to be so tough???)

What makes me laugh and what doesn't, part 1

I've been meaning to write more personal articles on this blog, but seem to keep finding too much inspiration from current affairs, so here goes.

As you might have figured out from my blog, I'm a person who likes to look at everything in the world from a light-hearted or humorous point of view. If Jews make such great comedians and the Chinese are supposed to be the Jews of the East (y'know, mass migration and encountering discrimination and reputation for business acumen etc etc) then why aren't there more funny Chinese people about?

So this is a quick entry to describe what it is in British mainstream media that I find funny and what I don't find funny.

FUNNY: Father Ted



It's hard to define why I like Father Ted so much. It contains lot of surreal moments and juxtapositions of things that should not go together (Priests on the Eurosong competition singing about a "lovely horse") but also more realistic observations (such as the couple who run a shop who hate-each-others-guts but pretend to be lovey-dovey in front of Father Ted.)

It also treads a very thin line between outright criticism of the Catholic Church (corrupt and domineering Bishop Brennan, protests against a blasphemous film that Ted actually wants to watch) and complete silliness (erm, see Father Dougal). One of my favourite episodes is the one where Father Ted keeps mistakenly giving the impression he's a racist and a fascist in front of the local Chinese community and the scene where he's standing behind a bit of dirt on a window that makes him look like Hitler giving a rallying speech is just brilliant.

And like all good comedy shows, they knew when to stop. (See Fawlty Towers, the Office, don't see any of the Absolutely Fabulous episodes after the '90s)

UNFUNNY: Little Britain



To brand Little Britain totally unfunny is a bit unkind because there are lots of good ideas and funny situations on show. However, I can't help but feel that the scriptwriters are on auto-pilot here. Let's find something funny and then repeat the sketch over and over again and milk it for what we can.

So we have the pushchair couple at the park, the pushchair couple on a speedboat, the pushchair couple at a swimming pool (you get the gist), all basically telling one joke that the guy in the chair is not really disabled, but his lisping carer does not know this. Ha ha?

So why is it so popular?

It's plane wrong .... Shirley

Northern RBS Airlines cabin crew working in their nose-diving aircraft have complained that the state-owned aircraft sent up to rescue them did not contain enough bonus cushions on their seats.

Northern RBS Airlines planes began losing altitude at an alarming rate from above 160,000 feet last year. Consequently, and in an unprecedented move, RAF Hercules transporter planes were immediately scrambled to rescue them and to avoid crashes into major residential areas of Britain that would have resulted in the biggest loss of peacetime civilian life since the 1930s.

One pilot purred "we've been working really hard sitting at the controls at all hours pushing the plane to fly higher and higher. For the government to take away our bonus cushions and making us sit on just normal seats is just scandalous."

To address this issue Prime Minister Gordon Brown is now introducing legislation banning airlines from attempting to fly aircraft beyond the earth's atmosphere (where there's no gases or oxygen of any kind,... altogether!)

Pure genius....

Mrs Clinton you're trying to...

Overheard at the the US Secretary of State's hotel in Beijing. Conversation with Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao

(A Simon and Garfunkel CD seems to be playing in the background)

Mrs. Clinton : Jiabao?

Bao : Yes?

Mrs. Clinton : Will you come over here a minute?

Bao : Over there? Sure.

Mrs. Clinton : Would you like to be friends of the US now? I think we'd make good partners. (nods and winks towards a soft red leather briefcase of US T-bills on her queen-sized bed)

Bao : Oh. Well, goodnight.

Mrs. Clinton : Won't you open the briefcase?

Bao : I'd rather not, Mrs. Clinton.

Mrs. Clinton : If you still think I'm trying to -

Bao : No, I don't. But I just feel a little funny.

Mrs. Clinton : What are you so scared of?

Bao : I'm not scared, Mrs. Clinton.

Mrs. Clinton : Then why do you keep running away?

Bao : Because you're going to bed. I don't think I should be up here.

Mrs. Clinton : Haven't you ever seen a US Treasury bill in the flesh before?

Bao : Yes, I have. But I just - Look - what if some pro-Tibet or human rights prostesters walked in right now?

Mrs. Clinton : What if they did?

Bao : Well, it would look pretty funny, wouldn't it? Me and you in a bedroom and a red briefcase full of.....

Mrs. Clinton : Don't you think they would trust us together?

Bao : Of course they would. But they might get the wrong idea. Anyone might.

Mrs. Clinton : I don't see why. I'm already married to a former humans-right pressurising US president. How could anyone think -

Bao : But they would! Don't you see?

Mrs. Clinton : Jiabao, we're not trying to seduce you.

Bao : I know that. But please, Mrs. Clinton. This is difficult for me.

Mrs. Clinton : Would you like me to seduce you?

Bao : What?

Mrs. Clinton : Is that what you're trying to tell me?

Bao : I'm going home now. I apologize for what I said. I hope you can forget it. But I'm going home right now.

Mrs. Clinton : Jiabao?

Bao : Yes?

Mrs. Clinton : Will you bring up my worthless shares in Lehman Brothers before you go? They're in my handbag.

Bao : I have to go. Sorry.

Mrs. Clinton : I really don't want to put on my big overcoat again. Won't you bring it up?

Bao : Where is it?

Mrs. Clinton : On the table next to the US budget report. The one in heavy red ink.

(sound of feet on steps)

Bao : Mrs. Clinton?

Mrs. Clinton : I'm in the bathroom.

Bao : Here is the handbag.

Mrs. Clinton : Would you bring it up?

Bao : Well, I'll hand it to you. Come to the railing and I'll hand it up.

Mrs. Clinton : Jiabao, I am getting pretty tired of all this suspicion. Now if you won't do me a simple favor I don't know what.

(more footsteps)

Bao : I'm putting it on the top step.

Mrs. Clinton : For God's sake, Jiabao, will you stop acting that way and bring me the handbag?

Bao : I'm putting it here by the door.

Mrs. Clinton : Will you bring it in to me?

Bao : I'd rather not.

Mrs. Clinton : All right. Put it in Alistair Darling's room where we were. Next to the large barrel of hair bleach.

Bao : Right.

(more footsteps and then other footsteps and a door slams)

Ben : Oh God. Oh, let me out.

Mrs. Clinton : Don't be nervous.

Bao : Get away from that door.

Mrs. Clinton : I want to say something first.

Bao : Jesus Christ.

Mrs. Clinton : Jiabao, I want you to know that in these times of economic difficutly the US is available to you, and if you won't let us pretend to be your temporary allies this time ... we'll still conveniently descend from the moral high ground for a bit of your cash. Now, would you like to buy some more T-bills in exchange for....

(bugging device suddenly interrupted by excess steam in room)

Hillary's underused overcoat

And so Hillary Clinton, the new US Presi-, the new US Secretary of State arrives for her first visit in her new capacity to Beijing and is given a state reception complete with sniper fi-, complete with red and blue flags and lights according to this blog on the BBC news website

(now don't you wish you had studied harder at school and become an important person who gets Red And Blue Flags And Lights welcoming you at airports? When I arrive somewhere by plane I have to navigate an arrivals hall clogged with numerous overweight taxi drivers who've been holding a mucky whiteboard in one hand and a half-eaten donut on the other)

One thing that struck me about this blogger's observation was the "Overcoat Etiquette" on display. Very important this, apparently. If an arriving dignitary appears on the airport tarmac not wearing too much clothing this makes the visiting VIP more vigorous looking, apparently, and possibly more menacing ready to strike the negotiating table running (if you could possibly imagine running on a table, or a negotiating table at that.... I wonder if they sell them in IKEA?)

Our mis-speaking Hillary though actually decides to be sensible and wear an overcoat, not because she wants to appear weak, but because it's cold in Beijing (and bullet-proof vests can be more easily hidden, in case those pesky snipers return).

Which makes you really thankful Hillary is a woman of practicality whose next stop is not some sun-baked equitorial island ruled by an aggresive dictator: I'm not sure I want to see Hillary Clinton arriving in a bikini (or even Obama in just his Y-fronts, if I'm totally honest)